Yohan, please be alive

Dearest Yohan,

You have been missing 13 days now. We are all worried about you and hope that you are alive, or at least in 3 or less pieces with all vital organs in place. We have been wondering for reasons for your disappearance, and they are, in order of likelyhood, these:

1. Your router doesn't work or your ISP is having problems. You were having problems with your router, and probably either bought a new one or the old one died completely. Perhaps you cannot get the new router working, or perhaps the ISP has messed something up and you are at position 91906 in their support queue.
2. You were caught in the recent storm http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/8355294.stm that ravaged Sao Paolo. Perhaps your area suffered major damage to the electricity infrastructure and you are still without internet. Perhaps a gang of rioteers broke into your flat and broke everything (I hope not you though). Evil 3rd world country and slow damage control.
3. You were working in the laboratory at university and had an accident. You either got some acid vapour on your face and had to be taken into hospital where you are lying unconscious, or you caused a breakout from the laboratory. For all we know, Brazil might now be fighting a desperate struggle against invading zombies which you released in the laboratory accident.
4. A team of highly trained monkeys has captured you. Monkeys, please let Yohan go.
5. You have died of a heart attack. Tell us, is afterlife in a) 2D? b) 3D? c) non-euclidean?

I hope you did not catch a sudden case of depression or anything along those lines. We already lost Bob for that, and it seems that depression is growing more and more common among the lone hikkikomoris. The response to your home being without internet could be using the internet at the university, but I don't know why you wouldn't contact us from there. Maybe your university has no internet, or they are blocking IRC for no good reason. We did try to dig up your information some months ago during operation Marshall Aid, but we didn't find much. We could try again, but you don't like stalkers and I doubt we would find anything of use. I don't think we have your email. You haven't signed in to Steam nor Hamachi. If you are gone long enough, we will post a thread on Something Awful LP section. Or post your picture on milk bottles.

Here life is going as expected. Ranting has been working during weekends, spent the last weekend at a wedding (crazy Indian weddings with hundreds of people for multiple days) and is now home alone as his mother is away. He is not eating pizza every day. Blueskirt has been playing Isaac, an indie game with procedural Zelda type dungeons and a lot of achievements, Dritz, Danny and I have been playing Skyrim, Aman is this close (..) to finishing his degree and is now looking for a new job I think, Seth is working at an oil rig for like 12 hours a day and Caity is shooting our weebees even where there aren't any. Evil Caity. I passed a super hard exam and am now doing a algorithm analysis, a branch of pure mathematics. It kind of sucks.

I hope you are not dead, my love. Please come back to us, Yohan!